Sunday, 5 February 2017

Beauty trends that I'm already over

Trends that need to end, like now, please.

Last year I described some trends that I was either sick to death of or hated from the very beginning. A few of those things are still occurring today, for example, Killstar has continued with its famed prints. Worse yet, it's been copied by brands like Banned Apparel and Jawbreaker! So much for originality. Occult prints have shown no sign of stopping but the fad has definitely slowed down. I can safely say the same for profanity slogan tees and bodysuits. Perhaps practicality might have effected those sales and put an end to most of it. 

This year my thoughts have settled less on garment style and more on hair and makeup. Since all that's popular in mainstream media is "street fashion" (which isn't even an actual fashion movement, it's just a mashup of everyone's different tastes), there's not much to critique this spring in Goth and Alt catalogs. It's all very boring in fact lol. There's very run of the mill products this year, lots of knits, tees, and jogging pants. I can't complain about pants, we need pants. No, instead my focus has been drawn to the things that won't stop popping up in my Pinterest feed...

Pastel Hair

It looks good on almost nobody, unless you happen to be sixteen and still have radiance to your skin. I recall when it was cool to dye your hair an unusual colour but now it's terribly mainstream and you'd be daring if you dyed your hair a normal colour! What is it that bothers me so much about smoky pink, smoky lavender and smoky turquoise? Well, for starters, why does it have to be smoky anything? Why can't it be vibrant? But more importantly, why does everyone seem to assume it'll work with their skin and hair type? I have seen this shit on eleven year old girls right up to women in their sixties. It's been popularized by many celebrities. Too many celebrities. Too many people have jumped on this trend, and isn't that indicative that it's not cool any more? When you're all doing it?

But it really doesn't work for everybody. In order to achieve these shades you ought to see a professional and not attempt it with box dye kits (I'm looking at you Féria) and Manic Panic with a bit of bleach. Truly successful candidates will already have light ash blonde hair. Those who have dark hair who attempt to bleach themselves will have to deal with the dye becoming patchy but more importantly brassy. I have read through a handful of reviews of brunettes trying this with absolute failure and it is because they're brunettes. You've probably seen the differences between a brunette who bleaches their hair and a blonde, a blonde will go platinum and the brunette will turn coppery. Now imagine putting any other hair colour over copper successfully, you can't, it comes out looking muddy and orange. And that's my biggest issue with pastel hair, people don't understand the science behind it, they don't realize that it's not fool proof and it can be fucked up very easily. That's why there are so many pictures of girls on Instagram and the like with drab, muddy pastel dye jobs. A professional hair dresser knows how to bleach your hair and prep it for such colours, it's expensive but if you want this crap it's worth paying for it.

5% of People
I just think the whole thing needs to end though. We were at a supermarket recently and my man turned to me and whispered, "Jesus, did you see that girl's hair? It looks like shit." He never comments on anything fashion related so I instantly took notice. That's when I spotted her, a girl in the distance with gray hair. Like grandma gray. The poor thing must've only been 24 or so but it made her look older, worn out and shitty. Pastel and smoky hair colours aren't complimentary for most skin types. They can age you rapidly, even more so if you're already pushing into senior citizen status. These shades are too dull and will have the opposite effect for most; instead of highlighting the rosiness in your cheeks, it brings out the veins, age spots and dark circles under your eyes. It makes you look tired and busted. It's not pretty. Unless you happen to occupy the like 5% of people who can get away with it. The same 5% that can get away with wearing leggings on their own and g-string bikinis.

I just personally hate this trend with a passion because it looks trashy on a lot of girls. I felt the same way about the ombre fad. Ombre hair made it look like women hadn't touched up their roots in three years, it looked sloppy. This pastel fad isn't much different. It looks like someone dyed their hair pink once and it didn't wash out completely, leaving a patchy, fried over bleached mess. Honestly, I saw "homeless" punk kids downtown with hair like this when I was sixteen, it wasn't flattering then and I don't think it's flattering now.

Overdrawing lips and Eyebrows

The big lip thing. Ugh! I hate it. The 1" thick eyebrow! Gahh! Everyone looks like a drag queen or a living Bratz doll these days. Drag queens overdraw their lips to parody women, now we have women embracing the trend?! How the hell does that even work? But it's out there. Thanks to Kylie Jenner we have people desperate to pump their lips up to an unimaginable, icky, inflatable degree. It's sad really. I've been perusing RealSelf for advice on aging. My skin is starting to show the telltale signs of getting older and I want to nip it in the bud while I'm still young. I've been reading up about all sorts of crap like fat sculpting, laser reduction, implants and derma fillers. As you can imagine, 90% of the derma filler reviewers have pumped their lips. Some aren't even happy with their already gigantic filled lips. Let's be fair, RealSelf is loaded to the gills with body dismorphic surgery fanatics. I would say in a way this is beneficial because they try every surgery known to man, you get a lot of reviews from them...yet their expectations are severely unrealistic. There are so many poor sons of bitches who just want the fakest, most unachievable lips imaginable. I pity them.

I must give props to those who have chosen to not mutilate their bodies through excess surgery (or by sucking their lips into a bottle until they tear and bleed) and have opted to overdraw their lips instead. I'm not against overdrawing in general. I have to do it myself because my top lip has been disfigured by a scar revision surgery. If handled delicately overdrawing can be quite successful. It's not new either...despite what some incredibly unaware makeup bloggers may claim. This trend has been around since the dawn of lipstick. Women have under and overdrawn their lips in a variety of different ways, these techniques were popularized in the early 20th century and can be seen by the likes of Theda Bara, Joan Crawford and Marilyn Monroe. In order to overdraw properly you have to have a good hold on your technique and you must use the appropriate tools. There are only certain lip shades that make overdrawing successful. Firstly, you must use a bright or dark shade and depending on the natural shape of your lips you should do this in matte lipstick. If you have a prominent upper ridge on your lip then glossy lipstick will highlight this and it'll be glaringly obvious that you've overdrawn your lip. Shades that have been most successful on me are bright pink, red and maroon or plum. I start by applying concealer above my lip because it for some reason acts as a really good foundation for my lipstick. I use a lip pencil to establish the shape, and then fill with lipstick. You only extend it beyond your lip by maybe a millimeter, you have to keep it subtle to be believable. Anything beyond that and you're risking stares.

People have also gone into excess with their eyebrows. I've seen some big ass eyebrows lately. They're not terribly flattering and they're filled to an unnatural degree. I talked to a makeup artist at Sephora and she seemed to feel brow pomade should only be reserved for those that require filler. It's been abused by many girls who clearly have eyebrows to begin with but for whatever reason want them to look so precise and on point that they're bordering on being cartoony. In a fit of rebellion, I have plucked my once natural angular eyebrows into rounded and thin 30's style brows because I am just that fucking sick and tired of seeing these big, ugly, eerily precise brows (not even Joan Crawford could make this shit look good!).

As much as I love drag queens, I don't think we should be doing our makeup like them...

What are your thoughts on these trends? What would you love to see go for good this year?


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