I'm going to forgo the typical format and just get straight to the bullshit that has made this entire month perhaps the most unbearable one thus far. For starters, you may have noticed the blog hasn't been updated since the last monthly checkup, that's just how much free time I've been afforded. I have no energy to do anything, most days I just want to lie in bed and rot. The idea that we die a little each day has never felt more true to me and I have come to take a bizarre comfort in knowing that. My health is failing. We haven't been able to determine why, but my doctor is awfully fucking incompetent so I will be visiting another one in hopes to achieve a proper diagnosis and possibly treatment. My hair is falling out in clumps, it's thinning all over; I no longer eat, I have no appetite; I don't sleep without waking up each and every hour on the hour, so I've had no choice but to resort to sleep aids. I have lost all motivation, my sense of humor, my passion for just about anything; quite basically I could give a flying fuck about anything any more. (For more profanity and complaining, read on ☺)
Things weren't always this bad. Last month I complained I was going to lose my job, this month it's all I wish would happen because I'm so fed up with it. I'm guaranteed to be there until it ends in November. Sadly, I got a taste of a possible job that could have catapulted me into a better life, a career even, but I was shot down. I gave the interview this odd half-assed attempt to portray myself as a down to earth, hard working, social type of chick whose artistic and computer skills outshone the others, but apparently being a stiff, lack lustre, personality-less suit was a far better choice over me. This job has been the only position I have ever seen come up that is even remotely close to what I do as an artist, and a fucking pussy graphic design/social media grad, who has no artistic sensibility, got the job over me. Now that's just disgusting, but more importantly it was an internship that was created for people who were lacking adequate job skills (i.e. me). Two candidates had just graduated from their certificate programs and not even experimented in the job market, so how could they know they were failing before they even tried? The others had worked stable jobs and had more experience than me and the new graduates combined. They all had far more applicable job skills than I did, so from a charitable point, I WAS THE RIGHT DECISION. But for reasons beyond me they did not choose me.
They even had the audacity to write me a letter saying just how much they liked me, found my skill set attractive and impressive, only to say the position has been filled and they "know I'll have a successful career as an artist". Those words are fucking poison to me. Not only because these people have no idea what it's like to be a starving art grad, but because they don't even understand the total lack of opportunity for any artist at any level. Saying this kind of thing to an artist is just plain disrespectful - so if you happen to read this and be an employer please refrain from making these kind of shitty comments to people you decline, it only pisses them off tremendously. The recruiter ended his email encouraging me to apply for a part time job in recreation which has nothing to do with what I want as a career, and it's part time. Not the full time position I had applied for, it pays minimum wage and not the very hefty salary I would've been receiving had I gotten the intern job. That's like telling a lawyer, "Sorry you didn't get into the law firm, we have an opening for a part time janitor though." Because I was so close to telling this guy to go fuck himself I just deleted the email. I wasted a full day of my work to go to that interview, I'll never get that $88 back. Christ.
I've been going around wanting nothing more than to break shit and set things on fire. But more prominently thoughts of suicide have been abound. I'm embarrassed that a job that was basically created for me was given to someone younger and so fucking uncool and non-artistic. I'm pissed that yet again I'm poor as hell and have no hope for a future. Money is everything to us, it guarantees us a roof over our head, food, coverage and a retirement plan. Without it we crumble, which is exactly what I'm doing. It's been almost two years exactly since I graduated and I am not moving up the chain, I'm only falling further behind. This irritates me because I'm aging, and they will always go for the younger applicants - I don't know why, employers are just cunts. They also tend to dislike university graduates... I guess because we're smarter than they are? Whose to say we are or not? We never get the chance to find out for sure! It's not just my city either, it's the whole god damn province... fuck that, it's the country! I've looked for work everywhere, there's nothing I can do. I was never taught anything useful, my school did not impart useful job skills or anything of worth, it was all a sham. And all the "job skills" I've acquired in my shitty part time jobs count for nothing because they don't happen to take place under the "exact same employment circumstances". So office work has become some kind of impenetrable fortress that one needs five degrees and ten years experience just to get into.
Let me tell you about Canada. It's a joke. There's no reason to come here, we have fish and terrible musicians, and we have no programs in place to assist the hordes of unemployed and underemployed graduates who are struggling to pay off their debts, make ends meet, and trying to enrich their lives. Dreams of home ownership are slipping further and further away, rent is being jacked up the asshole and swallows up well over half if not almost all of your income, combined with your life insurance policy, any additional medical care you require and your life necessities. If you dreamt in your old age you would be cared for and safe, you will instead be destitute and probably on the streets. Sure, Canada likes to give the impression we have our shit together, but we're really just terribly fucked up. Our priorities are nowhere where they're supposed to be.
In other news, my fiancé got the job he wanted, only he's stressing because he finds it difficult to adapt. I'm happy for him, I guess, but it kind of makes me resent him. He has no idea what it's like failing miserably in life. What's more, I get to be his burden. I literally am the reason we can't afford to get married, get a house, or even get my surgery. I bring in so little money it just goes into this meager little savings pile. I can't help but think he'd be much better off with someone who makes money, and I'd love for him to just leave and go do so, because the stress of being his wife is far too much for me to worry about. At least if I date a seriously poor guy we can qualify for welfare.
And, yeah. To flaming hell with September.