You may be wondering how things have been going since my surgery. Well, not great. The surgery never took place. I was admitted to the hospital and prepped for surgery, given an IV (twice!) and had blood samples taken. I laid in bed waiting for four hours, two of those hours were eating into my allotted surgery time. I saw at least five other patients being carted out of the room for their operations before me. Every time somebody walked through the door my heart skipped a beat and I thought, "this is it, it's finally going to be me." But it never was. I couldn't help but feel that something was wrong. Next thing I know, the IV nurse is at my beside telling me that my doctor is on the phone...
What the hell happened?!
When I first entered admitting, I was told my doctor had been early, then later on I was told she was running late; sounds conflicting, doesn't it? I finally got the full story from her receptionist (it wasn't actually my doctor calling, that was a mistake). She said the previous patient was injured during surgery and as a result, all of my doctor's other appointments were going to be cancelled (all two or three of us, there aren't many surgeries that take place in a single day). I felt a hot flush come over me. The nurses could see the disappointment in my face. They were such lovely women, very supportive, but at the same time I could feel their urgency to clean the bed and get me out of there. It had happened so fast that I didn't even know what to think. I didn't have time to react. All I could say to the receptionist was, "okay, that's fine." But it wasn't. I broke down in tears on the way home. It sounds selfish. I mean, this other patient is injured, to some unknown extent, which might not be much given that minor injuries are common with this procedure. But I still had my uterus. I wouldn't be the one in the recovery room, healing and on her way to a uterus-free life. No, I was in the car with a uterus hell-bent on destroying me with pain. It was the closest I've ever come to a solution and to not make it there was devastating. It was like having spent my entire life in poverty and suddenly winning the lottery, only to have the ticket snatched from my hands as I'm about to cash it in.
As my mother has said, it will happen one day, but I just feel completely disillusioned by the whole experience. It makes me think that this very thing could happen again, a second, third or fourth time. At first I thought maybe I'd get in on a cancellation, right away, but that just goes to show how naive I am. I know that other countries have policies in place for cancelled surgeries, but here you just get dumped back onto the waiting list. You're told that you will have priority over other patients but those are just words after all. There's no way to know whether or not that's the truth and as it stands right now I'm back to where I was in the first place. It could be another three months before I'm in the operating room again. I booked time off of work for this... and asking me to live another day with my uterus is bad enough, but months? Jesus.
So needless to say, my confidence in doctors is shaken. Especially this doctor, who although is a nice person, isn't around much. Like all doctors I know, they like to go on vacation or they're seldom available. Hell, my family doctor takes off early all the time and rarely let's the secretary know, that's why I get double booked or booked when my doctor isn't even there! Our health care system is a fucking joke. My nerves are rattled and I'm totally depressed. I just hope that maybe one day soon I might actually get my surgery after all and not end up like the hundreds of other patients who have their surgeries cancelled repeatedly.
To top things off, I bailed in our stairwell yesterday and I now have an incredibly painful hematoma on my left forearm. It hurt so bad that I was convinced I may have broken or fractured a bone (which was all the more depressing to think about). I can't flex much, but it's gotten a bit better. I just can't have anything touching that area. Funny, in a stupid kind of way, because I'm also badly bruised where my IVs and blood tests were administered. I just look like I had the crap kicked out of me, which is exactly how I feel.
So, with that out of the way, I'm pushing forward with my crafts, sewing projects and posts for this blog. I've been decorating my home for Christmas, too. As you can see I've included a picture of my tree at the top of this post (although the ornaments have since been re-arranged). My theme this year is nature. I used silver, chocolate, pearl and plum coloured ornaments to decorate my tree, as well as acorns, pine cones, songbirds and owls. I really love my Christmas decor. I'll have to share more photos of my decorations later on. Have you started decorating for the holidays??
I wanted to say thank you again, for all the wonderful support you guys have shown me in this difficult time. It really helped give me strength to endure this procedure, even if I didn't end up having the surgery that day. It really means a lot to know that there's a strong and supportive network of women in our blogging community. :)